"... I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain't as half as bad
As they paint it to be..."

I decided to leave work at 5 sharp the other day, put on my trainers and went for a jog. After running a couple of rounds, i explored this little quaint town a bit with my camera and car, and I saw this little lake just off the main road. As I pulled up by the sandy bay, I saw an old couple fishing at the lake, with birds flying above them, and a soft breeze blowing against them - they were both wearing a peaceful look on their faces - such a tranquil moment for them, I thought.

And today is exactly one solid month since i left home to this new place. Senior staffs have been very warm and nice, and I noticed that the people here are generally cordial. The best thing is that, patients here seem to be friendlier and happier-looking too, and this gives a sense of satisfaction at the end of any tiring day.

Indeed, to adjust to a new place quickly, I realise that it's so much easier if we look at the positive side of things. For a big hospital in a relatively small town like this, I'm sure I'm here for a reason. And i'm starting to see the rationale of it.

I'll go back to that lake one day again. Just to chill and to watch the sunset, maybe.

I always enjoy train rides.

Watching the sunset on the west, followed by a light shower of rain thereafter - it was all so refreshing. I always love train rides, for they provide me a certain kind of mood, a feeling of serenity. As the train whizzes through the lush greeneries of the country, I cant help but to admire how well the scenery complements the beauty of Mother Nature. And today, especially after a great weekend, I gained new insight about living this life of mine, walking this path laid ahead of me.

Even though I was all alone, I knew I was never quite lonely. And that makes any ride, so pleasant and sweet.

From little things... that made up a year.

Now at the end of the first working year, life has to take a turn again.

More than a year ago, each of us started off as a total pharmacist-newbie - I didn't even know what Vasteral is (this drug never existed in my university textbooks!) A real noob I really was, for I used to wonder how seniors took only 5 seconds to screen a prescription, while i needed 5 minutes to screen one!

Today, after seeing thousands of faces, after talking to thousands of patients, after rotating between a dozen of departments, after learning about hundreds of medications and diseases, I believe we are now a different person each.

And, just when we all almost felt like we have known each other for a lifetime, we just have to step out of our comfort zone. But a year of memory is what we would truly cherish at the end of the day. We have travelled to the highlands together, we have made numerous 'makan' trips together and we have played endless games together. To me, preregistration training was not just about being able to complete the competencies targets expected of us, but it's also about working together as a team, building rapport with other healthcare professionals as well as with the patients, and most importantly - treasure the friendships which you have made throughout the one year.

Senior pharmacists and senior staffs in the hospital have been really warm to us, so we thank you for that.

With that, to all my dear ex-PRPs colleagues, i truly wish you all the best of luck!!! We shall all now look forward to a new working environment!

I want to be swept off my feet again

One fine day, i would want to watch this show live again. To experience the visual and musical effect in the Majesty Theatre of London, to be wowed by the grand stair case for Masquerade, to be awed by the cinematic feel of the entire stage musical.

One day, the time will come. It's a love for which I have held on so strongly, and i still ain't over it yet.

Marvels of Mechanical Music

I always have a soft spot for music boxes. In fact, a mechanical music box is one of my favourite things - one which does not run on battery, made of metal pieces and purely mechanical. It is such an ingenious tiny article, the creation of mechanical wonders, converting the energy into beautiful sounds of music.

The most fascinating part of the gadget is perhaps the metal cylinder with lots of tiny tangible dots, akin to the Braille. When the cylinder is rotated, each studded dot comes around and lifts up the metal tooth on the comb. And as it leaves, the metal tooth will snap back, and this delivers a precise note of music.

This is the simplest, and perhaps also the earliest form of mechanical music, dated way back before the creation of the more sophisticated organ or piano. It doesnt take a musical maestro to make this musical box work. All you need to do is just turn around the lever, at your own tempo. You are your own musician - wind it fast and the music plays on an allegreto mood, or go slow to create an adagio piece!

Playing and listening to these mechanical music makes me think about places like Salzburg and Cologne. These are the land of music, the historical places of world's greatest composers like Mozart and Beethoven. Music has been something which i grew up with, and it takes passion to keep it glowing.

In short, I feel that these mechanical music boxes are so magical that when one listens to it, he or she is in fact listening to the history in the form of music, experiencing the wonders of inventions of man. It is a dream of mine to have a collection of these music boxes from all over the world; though I have only a couple of them right now, I treasure each and every one which I already have. :)

When September Ends

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends...

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are...

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends...

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends...

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are...

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends...

"Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day

The Sun is Smiling

Of the many departments in the hospital, I always thought that maternity ward is the happiest place to be in. Over the visiting hours, you will see a vast of smiling faces. And these are usually the new parents or grandparents, or even close family friends. Every pair of eyes would be admiring their new little angels, all cocooned up in little blankets to keep them warm.

But, I also learnt that the happiest ward might also be a sad place for some.

It was on a sunny afternoon when the ward nurse handed me a prescription for a young Indian lady. The doctor had endorsed only a list of medications for the mother, and none for the baby. In the midst of the chatters and laughters of other happy parents in the ward, I spotted the Indian lady whose prescription was in my hand. She was sitting alone on a bench, facing the small garden in between the wards. I approached her, wanting her to acknowledge my presence, but at the same time, fearing that i might be disturbing her from her deep thoughts.

She seemed upset while looking at the bag of medications in my hands. I said no words as I sat down next to her. As though talking to a complete stranger, she shared a few words, "She's my second baby, and like the first one, she did not survive immediately after birth."

My heart cried out for her when i listened to her. The tired eyes, the weary mood, the wrinkled face - all of which showed me how hard it was to be a mother and to conceive a baby.

As I was still lost for words, she continued, "But you know, my dear, life has to go on. My babies have just gone to heaven early. And, I'm now seeing the sun smiling anew. Have you noticed it today?"

I didn't answer her. For I was dumbfounded and amazed by her spirit. She was only 32, not much older than I am; but much wiser, much mellower, much stronger in faith.

I dispensed the medications to her, still overwhelmed by what she has just said. Her words echoed in my inner ear - "...I'm now seeing the sun smiling anew..."

She thanked me with a wide smile, and as I left the bench, I finally told her, "Yes I have seen the sun smiling. I have seen it in your smile. I should thank you for that."

I came home that day, with one message sent across my mind - at any moment of life when all we see is just darkness, start searching for the light. It is there, it's just how we perceive it. Let it shine unto us. Let it show us the way, so that we will not feel at lost.


To my best friend who is in grief now for the passing of her loved one, please stay strong, for the sun is always there, smiling at you.

May It Be

...Mornie utulie,
Believe and you will find your way.
Mornie alantie,
A promise lives within you now...

My so-called hometown Barista

Each time i frequent this particular eating place, the owner never fails to fascinate me with the way he prepares and mixes the drinks for all his customers. He makes coffee, tea and other non-alcoholic beverages, but my favourite is always his hot milo (Malaysian's favourite chocolate malt drink) - with less sugar added.

But seriously, the sight of him working diligently at his kitchen worktop is so assuring that you know you are going to be served with the best drink which you have ordered. The clatters between the stainless-steel teaspoon and the old porcelain cups is so zestful that you know that guy is stirring your drink with much effort. He spares all his concentration and spends a lot of time preparing each cup of drink, plus he makes sure that he stirs each one for at least 10 to 15 seconds. The best reward is that when you take the first sip of your hot coffee, it wouldnt be over piping hot that it burns your tongue; in fact it would just be at a perfect temperature after much stirring, with a whiff of the coffee sending aroma to your senses.

Simply put, I think that man is my favourite Barista in my hometown, and he's best caught in action when one of his hand is holding the ear of the small porcelain cup, and another hand fastened to a stirrer while moving back and forth until the drink in front of him froths up a little.

And by the way, he doesn't work in an airconditioned cafe, nor does he work in the Starbucks. He works under the roof of the oldest market in our country, in the heart of my little hometown. Yes, it's Siang Malam of Taiping I'm talking about.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost (1875-1963)

the Centipede and the Earthworm

Just a night ago,
when i sat next to you at bedtime,
you were reading out aloud,
the story of the Centipede and the Earthworm.

I cant help but to smile to myself,
at the sight of you, hanging on so well.

And today,
when you read aloud to those kids,
the story of the Centipede and the Earthworm,
I cant help but to be so proud of you,
And told myself,
with God's grace,
you will take every single challenge,
with complete calmness and wisdom.

Be strong, and come what may, I will always be there for you, my dear friend and sister.

Seascape Escape

Beaches are not what she usually fancies, for she is more a mountain, woods and landscape kind of person. But on that day, the seascape was so spectacular that it took her breath away. Stunning rock formations illustrated the backdrop of the view. Pristine sandy beaches stretched down as far as the eyes could see. Old wooden boats lined the shore. The whole place was sun-drenched, the sky was illustrated with fluffy clouds, the water was sparkling blue. Well, there’s just something about the Andaman water, she thought.

A few locals were at work, a couple of tourists were lazing in the sun, a group of kids were frolicking in the water...

For a moment, all her worries were swept away by the waves. All the uncertainties and the frustrations of life were drowned within the wide open sea. The whole place seemed to vibrate with a positive energy, and she prayed silently, for a quick recovery of her loved one.

A mile in a while with a smile.

I'm moving on, but i need to move on another mile,
I'm going slowly, but i know it would take a while,
I'm looking ahead, but one day, i'll look back and smile.

Money and Emotions

It was at the MMI (Millionaire Mind Intensive) seminar by T. Harv Eker, when I was challenged to recall a specific incident from the deepest of my memory - the task was to write down the most intense emotional incident from the past concerning money.

I hesitated many times before i finally decided to post this entry today. After all, I have found my courage to share it with more than 3,000 strangers in that seminar, so I asked myself - why not here?

* * *

"The incident which I am gonna share with everyone here, is merely my own resentment to the circumstances in which I felt very helpless regarding money. Well, what happened was, when i was a student in the UK, i had a dream - a dream to fly my parents to Europe upon my graduation. I had some savings, but they were not abundant. I did several things to save more - I worked at the football stadiums, i sold hotdogs at concert, I worked for my university, I saved up much of my allowances from my study sponsor - every measure was to save every penny for my parents' trip. Well, the amount I saved was not enormous, but they were eventually sufficient for me to plan a good 3-week Europe trip with the both of them. Of course, it would not be luxurious - a trip which would involve a lot of walking, staying in budget hotels, taking tubes and buses and flying via budget airlines. Despite it being low-cost, I was really anticipating for a good trip together. And then, I later learnt an unexpected truth - on the day of my parents' arrival in Europe, I found out what I didn't know earlier on. My dad was actually diagnosed with osteoarthritis when I was away from home... Of course, it hit me immediately that my dad would not be able to enjoy the europe trip as planned for them. How was I suppose to ask my dad to walk around London for 3 consecutive days? How was I suppose to ask him to stay in a budget hotel in Paris, with no escalators? How was I suppose to ask him to climb flights and flights of stairs at the tube stations? Well, at that moment of time, there was only one thing I could wish for. I wished I had more than enough money - enough to hire limousines and chauffeur my parents around the cities of London and Paris . To put them on a comfortable cruise at one of the most beautiful lakes in Scotland. To fly them to Switzerland on a personal jet, overlooking the Alps. When i threw myself back to reality, I just cant help but to feel helpless at that moment. They were all merely a dream."

* * *

No doubt, my parents had a good time altogether. I'm thankful to have great siblings and relatives. Not to mention, i had also a strong support from my last relationship - wc was a great pillar in that particular phase of my life.

I attended the seminar last weekend, only to find out that, money was important after all. The subject of money used to be something which I always try to avoid, but right now, it occured to me that, to be financially free is really a great bonus of life.

I used to think that money won't buy happiness, but I think my perception has changed somehow. As how a close friend once said, it's how we make use of the money we have. With money, we can do many things which used to be impossible without; for the sake of love, for the sake of a happier life. It's Dad's day tomorrow, Happy Father's Day.

Is your diet well 'supplemented'?

Recently, I ran into a friend's mother at the lake gardens when she suddenly asked me, "I'm thinking of some fish oil supplements for my health. Do you think they're beneficial? What's the best brand out there?"

Well, it took me a few 'hmm's, a couple of 'er's (and perhaps a whole lot more of interjections), before i could really give her an answer!

Boy, how uninformed am I about supplements!? Seriously, i should be knowing all these (or so i thought!) - but it occurred to me, I'm really not the type of person who goes for dietary supplements!

If you let me have a choice between
1) FISH OIL CAPSULES & A SLICE OF SALMON, i would prefer the latter!
-or-
2) A BOTTLE OF VITAMIN C & A BASKET OF ORANGES, I would also grab the latter (undoubtedly!)

Yes, even if it means that i would have to go through the hassle of cooking/grilling the salmon, or peeling all of the oranges!!!

Perhaps i just have this obssesive preoccupation about feeding those pills/capsules/formulated products into our digestive tract. Perhaps I just never always have a good perception about taking pills when we are all healthy, or when we have access to a variety of healthy foods around.

Thinking over it again, maybe I should really start learning up more about dietary supplements. I believe they will not do more bad than good, as long as we go in moderation in those stuff.

To start with, should i experiment myself with some fish oil capsules? These (see picture) are complimentary gift which my senior got from a sales representative, and she was nice enough to share them with her junior pharmacists!


And lastly, my stand on dietary supplements:- Yes, they should not be harmful if they are approved and heavily tested for its safety. But the key again should be:- moderation. It's no point spending a huge sum of money on all these stuff. Stick to a healthy diet, eat good foods, and get ample exercises. That should really suffice to lead a healthy living.

My thoughts were so loud

The sun was shining with pride, its rays were piercing the cloud;
Her mind was floating to hide, its thoughts were talking aloud.

She lied down on the grass. On her favourite spot. She looked up the sky, everything seemed so peaceful. The leaves were waving in the wind, the air was warm and the breeze was soft.

Nearby, sounds of children's laughter filled the air - gleeful yet, mischievous. Sounds of innocence. Sounds of ignorance.

She's got no commitment, she's as free as the birds. Her thoughts were so loud, that it's becoming a dream. A dream which will keep her goals in focus.

When the world's so large, she knew, she will not stop searching.


"Ice-age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan
Going to find another place, maybe one I can stand
I move on to another day
To a whole new town with a whole new way
Went to the porch to have a thought...

I know that starting over is not what life's about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud."

-The World At Large by Modest Mouse

At the least expected time, in the least expected way

I felt a cold silence. She didn't utter a word at first. But i was determined to break the ice, however thick it was.

She was one typical Chinese lady whom my senior pharmacist had counselled previously. I was told that the patient spoke very little Malay and English, and it was difficult to make her understand certain things. She just showed a lack of interest, perhaps it was plainly her indifferent attitude.

The vexing point was that - she had been tested HIV-positive, and the HIV team in the hospital thought that she would need to be started on HAART medications to prolong her survival. But of course, the team can't force her to start on these medications unless she was willing to participate.

HAART. It is the "Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Therapy". The phrase itself is a big jargon for most patients. In fact, this class of drugs is not like any other drugs you see in a pharmacy:- They are nothing like the normal oral antibiotics which you take for a week, and your infection resolves. They are nothing like the antihypertensives regimen, whereby you can skip a dose or two, and your blood pressure will still be okay. They are nothing like the over-the-counter Panadol, which you can just pop it into your mouth anytime you have a headache.

It is a combination of potent antiviral drugs to combat HIV infection. With HAART, it's completely a different challenge for the patient. One would be bound to the medications for a long time, perhaps a life time. He or she can't afford to miss many doses, otherwise the treatment would be deemed useless. Also, the patient must take the dose diligently at a fixed same time everyday. A dose fixed at 8am means it has to be consumed at 8am - no compromise. Not 7.30am, not even 8.30am. Adherence rate should ideally be near perfect, if not perfect. In simpler terms, out of 100 days, the patient can perhaps afford to miss a dose or two? This is to reduce the emergence of HIV strains which are resistant to treatment.

And, how was I suppose to tell all these to a 50-year old Chinese lady, everything in layman's term, in a language which she would comprehend? How do i make her understand that she would need the HAART therapy now? My senior stood aside and allowed me to carry out a conversation with the patient. It would be a very sensitive thing to talk about, but I just want to help this particular patient as much as I can.

Of course, her initial expression spoke of "Why do you people in the whitecoats, never stop bombarding me?". But after a while, she started to speak more and more. She started to open up. She told almost everything, how devastating it was when she was newly diagnosed. She refused to tell me how she got it, but i respected that. She had a daughter who knew about her condition, but she kept her status a secret from her other family members and friends. She had very limited educational background, and she found it very difficult to understand her condition. To accept the stark truth is already a nightmare, and now she was forced to learn to understand the whole thing.

Between her lines of words, it was the pair of eyes, the hopeful eyes in her, which told me an even more important thing - that she still loved herself very much. I held her hands in mine, and I told her, I was going to make her understand everything on that day itself, no matter how much time it would take.

I told her what HIV infection was all about. How it got into her body. How it was affecting her immune system cells. And I thought "immune system" would be too big a word for her, so i told her it is equivalent to our "body army". And why she needed the HAART medication as soon as possible to kill the virus, and to strengthen up her body army. It's like a war game. she needed the shield. the drug. to suppress and to combat the enemies. And she had no time to waste - the longer she chose to procrastinate, the weaker her army would become. the stronger her enemies in the body would be.

I paused. She looked overwhelmed, muttering some words. I could sense there was still something bothering her. I allowed a moment of silence, after which she finally asked,

"How much do I have to pay for all the medications?"

Looking straight into her eyes, i told her i have both, good and bad, news for her, "The bad news is that, the medications are going to be very expensive, depending on which type, some may be RM500/monthly, while others up to RM1000/monthly. But here's the good news, you'll be subsidised, as long as you promise to be compliant to your medications."

Little did she know that this is one of the most rewarding news i've ever broken to anyone else in my entire life. Her whole face lighted up with a faint smile. i could sense that half the burden on her shoulders were off down to the ground now.

Before I left, i quietly whispered to her, "Over here, we are all open to help you, but you would have to help yourself first". She nodded in agreement, and I felt a soft squeeze in her hand with a smile on her face. She was more a friend to me now than a patient. She was no longer the hostile-looking grumpy lady just a moment ago.

* * *

What we didnt know too was, at that time when i spoke to her, death was already very near her. Nobody knew, for she was still looking fine. Later on, she had a few other conditions which crept in. She was readmitted again, and this time she didnt make it through the first night of hospitalisation. When my senior broke the news to me over the phone, i just hanged up, biting my lips. I decided to trace her admission record from the office just to find out what happened just before death.

I learnt, sometimes things happen at the least expected time, in the least expected way. We just have to appreciate what we have today.

The Piazza

Today, I watched Angels & Demons.

And, I was bowled over by the extent to which the movie-makers go in filming a fiction novel, covering so many places of Rome in the entire 2-hour show. Of all, I think I love the view of St Peter's Square (Piazza San Pietro) the best.

I believe one of the best views of the piazza is from the dome of St Peter's Church - A height of about 140 metres should promise you a good view of the entire piazza, and even most parts ot the Vatican City. To get that view, you would first need to climb many flights of stairs before you can reach the cupola - the top of the dome.

* * *

I still remember how spontaneously we decided to make our way up to the dome. Even if it meant we had to climb a seemingly endless flights of steps. even if we had to squeeze through the narrow passageways. I didn't know if I would ever develop claustrophobia, but what i strongly knew was - I wanted to see St Peter's Square from the dome of the church.

The walls along the steps were tilted that sometimes I had to bend my body and walk on a slant with each step I made. The walls actually tilt in such a way that the dome was built. The steps felt ancient and old - some were uneven with many tiny holes. some were shiny, smoothened by the feet of throngs of climbers.

When we finally got to the top, I found myself walking around near the ceiling of the dome. I walked many rounds repeatedly, and it was nice to learn to appreciate Michelangelo's art, as depicted on the mosaic murals on the ceiling.

But the best part at the cupola was to walk out to the outside of the dome, as my eyes marvelled at the world's famous St Peter's Square, for it was simply phenomenal. The Bernini's baroque design, the centre obelisk, the standing statues, the surrounding pillars and the curvy arches. They were all majestic, a great place for congregations of a huge number of people.

This is one picture which i would always keep - the facade of the world's largest church - a view which i would not possibly forget.

* * *

I've not read the novel, so I have nothing much to comment about the story plot in the film. But there are definitely several things which caught me by surprise - I did not know that a secret underground passageway connecting the Castle San Angelo and the Vatican City actually exists! Well, it would be something interesting if it really does! And, it's amusing to see the Swiss Guards playing around with guns and all - i thought they would look better off with flamberges instead!

Well, if you ask me to watch the film again, i wouldnt say no!

A different taste of work

There's just something different about the department I am working in now. It is the Hospital Procurement Unit (it is also glamourously called the "Store" since we keep many many things there!). It's the unit whereby we procure and supply items for all the departments in the hospital - everything, from drugs to non-drug items.

It's nothing like the Clinical ward Pharmacy, the Outpatient Dispensary/pharmacy, the Inpatient ward supply, the TDM or TPN departments. It is a separate entity altogether, another community physically away from the other departments in the hospital.

The contradicting thing about this department is that:

1. Here, we meet no patients, but we meet a lot of sales representatives from various drug companies.

2. Also, we receive no prescriptions, but we receive a lot of letters and documents, all legal and official.

3. Not to mention, we receive no phone calls asking for "Hey, what's the dose of Chlorpromazine for intractable hiccups?", but we get phone calls asking for "Hey, what's the stock level of Chlorpromazine in our Store?"

4. And, we do not count medications by the number of pills, but we count them by the number of boxes in which they are contained!!

The first impression i got from colleagues about working in Store were - lots of paper work. lots of letters and faxes. lots of recording, lots of red-tape. lots of stock-counting. everything that is to describe the department with one single adjective - mundane.

Well, i must admit that during the first week, i was all bored to the bones. Whenever seniors from other departments need a relief and they asked me for the favour, i would happily do so. But now it's coming to the fourth week of my posting in the Store, and i think i am starting to see the beauty of working in this department. It has some fine touch of experience which i would not possibly get elsewhere.

I observed and learnt how my senior pharmacists deal with the influx of sales representatives (yes, these sales reps come to us, armed with high persuasion skills, so that we purchase their products!). Also i learnt from my seniors, how to estimate the monthly usage of drugs - eg how quickly does our hospital use up Unasyn injections? We have many drug and non-drugs items (perhaps hundreds or even thousands of them), and it is really sometimes a very difficult, nevertheless important, task to monitor the item movement. I learn how to deal with expired or almost expired products, especially if there is a big bulk of them! We try our very best, to minimise loss. After all, it's the tax-payers' money alright.

Also, I learn about how expensive certain drugs are? I heard there is one type of vaccine which may cost up to half the price of a MyVi!? Of course it's not available in our hospital right now. And, how difficult to procure some other rare drugs? Sometimes we have to go through a whole lot of procedures just to get one particular type of drug for one particular patient.

To me, this department is metaphorically equivallent to the 'backbone' for all other departments in the entire hospital. If say Store was to become non-functional, there will be no drugs (and non-drug items) for the wards, operating theatres, and clinics! That means every other departments will not be able to function as well, yea?

I think i'm going to miss my time there. I had good time with my colleague, my seniors, other employees in the office. Even the cleaner and the guard are very nice people - they always smile at me early in the morning!

Now, why did I even think of applying leave this Monday even though I am just going to stay home and rot?

It's Green!!!

Throughout the two weeks of our first ever trip away from homeland, i remembered that i never stopped commenting on his green Converse. I kept irritating him that it's an ugly green and he, indeed, has a bad taste!

So much of a sister! Well, we grew up fighting after all! Of all the children, he and I have the nearest age gaps - 2 years apart is close enough to make us share innumerable things together - from childish fights, to intellectual, and even emotional exchange.

But today, as i browsed through the picture albums again, i thought to myself, they are not too bad-looking actually! Hehe. I hope this remark about your favourite shoes is a good birthday gift for you this year!

(Yet, i think my beaded flip-flops are still nicer HAHA, but Happy birthday anyway!)

Dear you,

You have my blessing...

And I am taking a turn.

Life would be made easier

If i choose to be happy. :)

The Climb

It's the words in the lyrics which spoke to my soul. So refreshing to listen to it again, and this time with the radio blasting from the speakers in the car. The song's my silent reminder.


The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Minesweeper

Everyone probably knows what the Minesweeper game is, but how many would really find it an interesting game to play? or rather, how many would even bother opening that application which is ubiquitously found in most Windows OS?

It is such a simple game that it doesnt require a speedy graphic video card, nor a boost in the audio system. It doesnt demand an incredibly high RAM, nor does it occupy even a gig of your space! It's so modest a game, that you prolly need only a good working mouse to play it, and a wee bit of common sense, of course!

To me, it is not just a game that is located in the Start --> All Programs --> Games. In fact, it is another of my favourite childhood games which can get me addicted to the PC for hours long. Even though the presentation of the game is plain and non-decorative, I actually find it a mind-boggling puzzle game!

The rule of thumb in this game? Very simple - the number in a square tells you how many mines there are adjacent to that square. We have to use some Mathematics to play it. I still remember how teachers in Convent taught us the "P if and only if Q" and the "Kebarangkalian" concepts, and that was how i found my love in this simple game. So, it is actually the 'Probability and Logic' game - u get the idea!

Perhaps, finding pleasure in simple things is just my cup of tea. While other teens of my age might be frenzied over games like DOTA, RA, Warcraft and so forth, but i somehow turned myself into a Minesweeper addict when i was still in school.

I stopped playing the game for quite a while now, but after watching the trailer "Minesweeper, the Movie" (thanks, my dear chicken-back-side!), it really makes me recall how much i used to love it, playing again and again just to beat my own high score. It's okay if everyone thinks that it's an old-boring-classic game, but this so-called trailer is definitely bringing the game to live!

Now if i were to play Minesweeper again, i would imagine myself as a real minesweeper - wearing those gung-ho outfits, standing on those grids with mines underneath. Imagining myself planting the flags, anticipating explosions, and the whole shebang! How cool is that!?

My grandmother's wooden clogs

I live in an old townhouse built during the colonial times. I live with my grandmother. I take pride in a lot of things which portray our local culture in this heritage-old house. That includes my grandmother's wooden clogs.

Sometimes, I love to roam around the house in her clogs when she's not around. I love the clattering sounds made by the clogs against the ground each time i make a step. I love the weight of the wooden-soled clogs as i lift my feet up everytime. I love the feel of the smoothened texture of the wood on my sole.

There was once when i quietly wore my grandmother's clogs again when she was watching tv upstairs. She came downstairs after her tv show, and she must have searched high and low for her clogs! The obnoxious part of me was not aware because my feet must have felt so comfortable in her pair. I really forgot the fact that i have deprived her of her clogs.

She didnt asked me for her clogs, instead she just let me continue wearing them. She discreetly took a new pair of clogs from her cupboard, and she started taking out a knife. I was shocked when i saw her using the knife, and i instantenously asked her "Ma, what are you doing!!??"

She replied, "Don't worry, just go ahead wearing the clogs.. I'll use these new clogs, but i need to resurface it first"..

though i didnt understand what she meant by resurfacing with a knife, but i really felt so sorry for her. She looked delicate (and she has shaking hands and weak osteoarthritic knees), i really felt so bad. in fact, I silently scolded myself for wearing her clogs. I went bare-footed, and i fitted her feet into the warm clogs from my feet. I reminded her not to use the knife anymore for any reason. I couldnt have forgiven myself if my grandmother really started using the knife in whatever way.

I think i should start getting myself a pair of wooden clogs and start wearing them. By the time i reach my grandmother's age (and if the clogs are still not worn out), they will be as smooth as that of my grandmother's! At that time, i can live to tell a tale to my grandchildren that my grandmother used the exact same kind of shoes once upon a time.

A gleam of hope

-London's British Museum Nov '07-

Monday blues, and if that's what you are feeling right now, go to the mirror, and convince yourself that there is always a gleam of hope somewhere!

This is specially dedicated to a person so dear to me, i know she will soon be able to overcome all obstacles she has to face right now. i don't mean this as a post-secret kind of thing, but i well knew that she may not bump into this thing anytime now or soon.

Just my way of showing how much i love her.

Someone from high school

I saw her once at the psychiatric clinic a few months ago. At that time, i was following my senior pharmacist to learn more about discharge dispensing for psychiatric outpatients.

I was about to introduce my name to her, thinking that she may not have remembered so many names from school. but I was surprised when she called me by my name - she even remembered my full name!! I wondered why she visited the psychiatric clinic, she told me that she was under follow-up at the clinic. Of course, I was caught by surprise again - I'm not sure if she was on any medication, but it seemed like she was.

It was just last week, when i bumped into her again at the medical ward. She was at the entrance of the building, and she seemed as though she was lost! I greeted her, and I asked where she was heading to. She was looking anxious and tensed, and she told me one of her relatives just got admitted to the ward, but she wasnt sure which ward was it. She wasnt even sure which floor of the entire building to go to!

I asked her for the relative's particulars, made a call or two, and finally we managed to trace the ward the relative was admitted to. I could see how her face lighted up immediately when she saw the familiar face of her relative in the ward. It was a refreshing scene, at least to me.

She was my Pendidikan Jasmani teacher back in high school. And she taught me only for one month. Thank you for remembering my full name, that shows to me how a teacher really cares for her students.

I hope and pray that her relative is getting well by now.

das Paar der Rosen

Finely carved, they seem so rare,
On two lean stalks, they make a pair;
An exquisite beauty, they seem to bear,
With glistening silver, which makes them flare.
.

just another day, now.

a second,
a minute,
an hour,
and then a day goes by.
It's 11th again today.

I can lie to the whole world,
but at the end of the day,
i cant do it to myself.

4 ways to kill a mood

4 ways to kill a mood on a Monday (The Chinese believe the disastrous figure 4 anyway!):

• a mid-week presentation (and another presentation 8 days later, also unprepared yet)

• stepping into a puddle of water accidentally ( in my favourite shoes, sobs! )

• to be splashed with unexpected murky water from the ceiling (not drops of it, but gallons!)

• going to work on a Tuesday only to see a whole messy workplace (and having to clean them up)!

Period.

Splashing Monday!

Splash splash splash
It came in a flash!
Haste haste haste
I've no time to waste!

from pill-free to half a dozen of medications

I could sense that she was worried from her creased face. Her husband has just survived from an unexpected myocardial infarction, and that afternoon, in the pharmacy, she sat right in front of me to collect her husband's discharge medications.

The body of the prescription was penned with a long list of medications. When I started explaining to her each of the medications the husband is to take, the frail lady did try to digest, understand and remember everything. But I decided not to go on - I asked her if I could speak to the husband directly.

5 minutes later, the husband was escorted into the pharmacy. There were a few other in-patients waiting for their medications to be dispensed at the same time, but I didn't want to rush through the discharge counselling with this particular man.

I asked for his name, and led a casual conversation. I learnt that he's working in a farm, and he has previously no known health problems - he doesnt even know the taste of taking medications every day in his entire life.

Looking at the bag of medications on the table, it was pretty tough at first to explain to him that he has to be on those pills e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y from that day onwards. I had to make him understand the indication of each medication. I had to explain the dosage and administration. I had to make him aware of the possible side effects. And most importantly, I had to make him understand why he has to comply to all his medications.

For someone like me who even refused to take a pill when i have a headache, pain or a mild fever, I can easily understand how the man felt upon seeing those medications. To be bound to one medication is already a scare to some patients, what more to consume half a dozen of those coloured pills everyday after a course of hospitalisation.

It is really a daunting daily task, because for every pill that a patient is taking, it makes the person feels that he or she is aging 5 years older.

Pounding through the rapids!

When someone speaks of white water rafting in Malaysia, the first place that comes to mind is usually Sungai Padas, Sabah. I was in Sabah somewhere 2005, but after the Mt KK adventure, my hiking group had no time (and energy, of course!) to try any other roving activities there. and at that moment, i thought it was a great miss for not trying the white water rafting along the beautiful popular Sg Padas.

2 years later, in 2007, I went on my first raft with a bunch of my girl friends at Sungai Kampar, Perak. Well, i must say that the adventure itself as a first timer was good, but i expected a better one!! perhaps because i have read so much about Sg Padas, and so the river rafting in Sg Kampar was considered mild after all (plus, it was dry season at the time we went). oh well, of course I had a great deal doing crazy fun things like this together with the bunch of girls!

And now in 2009, I've heard so much about Kuala Kubu Baru - they have water rafting along Sungai Selangor! And some folks were organising a trip there last weekend. I'm really glad that i didnt miss it this time!!! There were 4 rafts altogether (a small group which is a good thing to avoid waitings and delays), with a commander, and a guide in each.

To me, a positive water rafting experience is not only about the thrills and adrenaline rushes, but also the wildlife, the scenery, the breathtaking views, the clear cold water and the list goes on. The range of mountains were simply beautiful from the river. It was all perfect, including the weather!

And right now, I'm head over heels in love with river rafting. And the best part is to get all the muscle sores after the long day. :)

The roaring water!

And this raft capsized 1 second after this picture was snapped!

Pounding through the rapids

I was in that raft!

This must be at one of the grand rapids!

*photos courtesy of Pie and Co. :) Thanks!

And i'm left here thinking, how nice if i could do it again, with someone whom i know will enjoy this as well.

Earth Hour 2009

it's been an awesome day after the river rafting at kuala kubu bharu today. and right now i'm going to lie down, think of nothing else, or maybe sleep for the next one hour. perhaps i'll find some answers within the darkness.

Every cloud has a silver lining

I still remember taking this picture during one of the summer evenings. I still remember vividly, how a feeling of serenity instantly enveloped my soul, as i watched the quick transformation of the sky from the hillside.

Looking back at those pictures in my album, the same feelings return. i know i could not possibly experience the same rapture again, however much i want to. Surviving within this void now, I can still feel the aura, the same magical effect that has embraced me.

After all, every cloud, as the saying goes, has a silver lining. Life will be too short if we don't look on the bright side of life. We know, yes, we all know that the orb of life is always there shining.

Unexpected colours

Today, the dawn broke to an ash grey sky with dull clouds over the Pearl of the Orient. It was not the most beautiful Sunday morning, i thought. I shuddered at that thought initially, but i cautiously reminded myself, "The day can be beautiful if I choose it to be".

Keeping that in mind, my sis and I finally decided to go on a morning drive around Penang. It was at Jalan Mahsuri off the PISA whereby my perception of the day changed completely... for we both saw the most beautiful tones of colours ever.

Clusters of pinks and whites were seen among the green leaves on the trees. We have heard about the cherry blossoms in Penang, but we never knew they were so pretty and the colours were so vividly overwhelming.

I've been on this road many times previously, but i have never seen anything like this before. Little did i know that those trees along this road bear such gorgeous flowers. They were the cherry blossoms, and when the flowers were all in bloom together, they offered such brilliant colours, as though reminding me that the Spring was here. It was massive, a pure joy, a true gift from Mother Nature.

As the day turned brighter, many drivers started pulling up by the side of the road. Some just watched the blooms from afar. Some started taking photos from their camera-phones. There were even professional-looking photographers with tripods, flashes, umbrella reflector and what not. I was simply amazed!

As I went on down the road, there was one particular tree which appealed to me most. It was alone on its own, well separated from the other rows of trees. It looked lonely as well - with no immediate neighbours, unlike the others. The tree shed its flowers onto its own territory, as though dotting its own shadow on the ground.



I stood silently before the tree, and I knew that it was smiling unto me. :) It was a warm greeting, and it was soothing to know that even the loneliest tree was decorated with bright pink flowers.

Unknowingly, I was already smiling to myself. I looked up the sky - the dark clouds from the dawn had cleared up, and the blue azure sky was now apparent. It was a therapeutic morning. :)

At the cost of a life?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/09/world/europe/09bribery.html?hp

I know that gift-giving etiquette has been an old tradition in countries like Romania, and when i read the article published in the NYtimes, i was utterly shocked to say the least. That article has revealed that gift-giving is in fact almost compulsory in the healthcare system of Romania. In a more straighforward way, doctors, nurses and the orderlies expect themsevles to be 'bribed' in exchange of their care and attention.

Bribery has become a norm in the Romanian healthcare sector, and they blamed it on the meager salary of about $510 for doctors. Well, that is undeniably low, but corruption at the cost of one's life is not a solution at all. The code of ethics is no longer making sense anymore with such thing happening. They work not for the passion of the work, rather, for the 'supplementary incomes' they are expecting to receive from their patients. Such healthcare professionals should not be deemed professional afterall.

For a moment, it hit me thinking. man, how lucky we malaysians are to receive equitable healthcare service from the government hospitals. There is no rule that says the poor are denied of medical care, (nor is there any that prevents the rich from enjoying the public healthcare services).

The Show by Lenka

was listening to this song while driving this morning and certain parts of the lyrics just caught my attention. a nice song indeed.

The Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone (I've tried)
and I don't know why

Slow it down make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
'cuz it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
to be something I'm not

I'm a fool out of love
'cuz I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone (I've tried)
and I don't know why

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I'm so scared
but don't show it
I can't figure it out
it's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
and synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
they've got a ticket to that show

oh oh
Just enjoy the show
oh oh

I'm just a little bit
caught in the middle
life is a maze
and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
and I don't know why

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I'm so scared
but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
it's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

a TDM house-pharmacist

I'm in therapeutic drug monitoring (TDM) department now. will have to learn to handle real cases, patients who are on certain drugs such as vancomycin, gentamicin, phenytoin, just to name a few. Even paracetamol poisoning cases will come to us. will have to run blood samples for drug levels --> interpret results --> suggest to docs any alteration in drug regimen --> and follow-up the case. it's nice to get hands-on experience, and applying what has been learnt in uni. i always love drug pharmacokinetics.. perhaps was inspired by one of our Scottish lecturers back then. someone whom i really looked up to. :)

I suddenly remembered two cases which i have been faithfully following up for almost two weeks. Even after I left clinical department, i consistently went back to the same ward just to find out what's happening to these two patients... They both passed away just a couple of days ago. One of them was expected to have a bad prognosis (fulminant poisoning of the infamous herbicide paraquat). but the other patient left quite unexpectedly, he just collapsed anddied.

Have been up to much else than work, a good way to keep my evenings fully occupied. just a recap of the last one week.
Sunday: Family dinner in Ipoh; Birthday bash at colleague's
Monday: Seafood dinner in Matang
Tuesday: Pfizer's Viagra 10th Anniversary Dinner in Syuen Hotel
Wednesday: Dinner home
Thursday: Badminton and dinner at Noodle station and night chat with the happy tHree friends.
Friday: Dinner home
and now, just got back from another family dinner out.

for the coming week, I shall stay home more often during dinner time.

it was a fine weekend afterall.

It's nice to do things out of spontaneity. I thought this weekend was going to painfully slow for me, but it turned out to be otherwise.

we've decided to drive all the way down to Ipoh for just a simple meal. It was an excellent eating-out session with family and relatives. i always love that. i still remember how granpa used to bring us out for family dinners over certain weekends. we as kids would be so excited that we would dress more properly than usual, happily wearing a smile from ear to ear on the face and jumping with innocent blissful joy. i really miss those times...

after ipoh, we dropped by sungai siput on the way back for visiting, and then shortly after dinner, we drove back to taiping. decided to use the old trunk road, and i really thought it was a breathtaking drive. it was drizzling at first, then the rain started falling in a crescendo, creating a certain rhythm on the roof of our car..

i'm home now and the rain has just stopped a wee while ago. it's half past seven and the sky has just changed its colour, telling the whole world that dusk is here. the town looks and feels clean now, filled with good fresh air. birds are out again, chirping gleefully. it's amazing how a course of rain washes away the old and brings in the new.

some pictures of family and relatives would be nice to keep, for memory sake in times to come... i notice that i don't appear to have wide smiles in pictures lately, are the braces masking it off, or i just don't do it so often anymore.



and i have promised, i'll pick up, though i may be slow.